Wrath of the Heart
Chapter 1
It’s breakfast. Mum and Dad are pressuring me to visit the main town cemetery called Mangroves Cemetery. Weird name, I know but it’s the founder who named it. According to sources, the cemetery was built many years ago, possibly back in the 1600s. I have absolutely no difficulty in believing that because, it certainly looks ancient and it gives me the creeps. By the way, my name’s Terri Darwin and I’m fifteen years old, studying in Wisdom International Academy. Yeah, sounds corny. Moving on, my parents want me to visit by Emma Collin’s grave. Pray for her and stuff. Emma used to be in my school; used to be, because she’s dead now. She was murdered [I flinch whenever I hear that word now] about 2 months ago in her own backyard. The murderer wasn’t found since there were no traces left behind. But I know the murderer because I was there that night. I just can’t get anything out of my head. I get up and agree to visit her grave, though my heart strongly disagrees. And my heart’s always right.
Standing in front of Emma’s grave. Going through the words engraved on the stone.
Here Lies Emma Collins
(1993-2009)
She Was A Brave Girl Who Never
Gave Up On Anything.
Rest In Peace, Emma. May the Angels Guard You
Forever And Ever xx
Tears well up in my eyes but these are not tears of remembrance but tears of guilt and shame. I remember how cold the night was; how fast each movement had been from both sides; the fury in our eyes. I replay the scene every night before going to bed and torture myself since that’s what I deserve. Again, the memory comes across my mind and I fall down. Hadn’t I fallen down the same way that night? But had I been able to get up? I shudder as the memory passes across my eyes torturing me every second that it passes. Something moves behind me and I look back. No one there. I get up, brush ash off my school uniform and head out of the graveyard, brushing the tears away. Time for school. The memory still haunts me as it would to any person who knew the murderer of her classmate.
Break time. Hanging around with my friends; Lily, Samantha, Rose and Leah. I’ve known Lily and Rose since 7th grade, right now we’re in grade 10. Leah and Sam are the new ‘come-ins’. Ok, I gotta admit, what really attracted Lily, Rose and me to them was their ENORMOUS houses and pools in their backyard. Not that I’ve got a thing for swimming but still, it’s exciting. Every single person – students, teachers, principals and vice principals, secretaries, etc – knows about the death of Emma Collin. She had been the pretty one, the most popular one and the cheerleader. I don’t know why cheerleaders are so popular. They’re just dumb blondes or brunettes in bodies which make you think of ropes. Moving on. Lily’s telling us of a new story she’s going to write. By the way, Lily’s the smart one who writes all kinds of fascinating stories. I must admit, they’re really good and I’m kind of jealous of her smartness.
“It’s called, The Condemned,” She says.
“That’s a movie,” I note, flicking my maths book open and close.
Lily gives me the look.
“This book is not based on the movie or copied from it,” She says.
“It’s about this old curse which brings ancient villagers back to life.”
“Wow,” Rose mutters not the least bit interested. Rose is the fashionable one. She was asked to join the cheerleading squad but she curtly denied with a, “Cheerleaders are losers!”
That’s what I like about her. She may be too fashionable for her own good but is still loyal to her friends and hates dumb blondes. She’s in a real bad mood today [for some unknown reason] and is way beyond loyal.
“It’s going to be perfect!” Lily whispers, eyes gleaming, Rose’s disinterest ignored for now. The bell rings.
“Your ideas have got to wait for now,” I say, pushing her gently in front of me. “Chemistry.”
We drag ourselves up the stairs to the chemistry class. There’s a mirror in the class and as I look towards it I see a face there…
My eyes are about to pop out…
Confusion turns to horror and shock…
My brain churns and churns…
Bile rises up in my throat, fighting my efforts to push it back in…
I feel myself fading into darkness…
My mind replays the face, I saw in the mirror, wickedly grinning at me…
Emma…
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey Huff Puff!
First of all, I want to welcome you to YWS. Remember for next time, post at least two reviews before posting your own piece. It really helps YWS because it allows for everyone's story to be reviewed.
Now on to the review! :]
I think you need to rewrite this. First of all, the large paragraph intimidates readers. Don't ask why, but it does. Try seperating this paragraph into two or three paragraphs to make it easier to reader. You have multiple differents ideas in here that don't really mesh well together. Try making a paragrpah for each one.
For example, you say "moving on" and "by the way" in this. Usually, those words signal a new thought and therefore a new paragraph.
You should need to have a subject noun in these sentences. Also, you change the tense from past to present. This is a bit confusing. try changing them like this: "Staning in front of Emma's grave, I go through the words engraved on the stone."
Again, this paragraph also needs some adjustments. You go from talking about your narrator's friends to talking about Lily and back again to the friends. This is a very awkward transition. The part where you describe Lily doesn't fit in this part of the story. I suggest maybe moving it somewhere more towards the beginning.
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Summary of Critiques: You seem to switch quickly from one idea to the next. This is a good thing, but it sometimes confuses the reader and makes the work seem a bit choppy. Try keeping one idea per sentence.My main suggestiong is that you shorten down your sentences a little and work on flow.
Over all, I think this was a good piece. You got me interested in the chapters to come which is a really good thing! Pulling the reader in is essential.
If you post more to this story or revise it, let me know. I'd love to see what you do next.
PM me with any questions! I'd love to help.
-dd9